Dysfunction Junkies
Two high school besties reconnect and commiserate their stories as they navigate the dysfunctions of life from marriage, families, illness, death of childhood families, and creating healthy boundaries. Join them each week as Chrisy and Kerry share their stories and life lessons all with a zest of wit, humor, and love. They may not have seen it all, but they have seen enough!
Dysfunction Junkies
Grief Strikes: When Loss Catches You By Surprise
Grief isn't just about death—it's about lost opportunities, changing relationships, and the life you thought you'd have. Sometimes it hits months later when you least expect it. This week, Chrisy and Kerry dive into the dysfunction of grief, be sure to tune in.
#DysfunctionJunkies #GriefJourney
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Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies podcast. We may not have seen it all, but we've seen enough. And now here are your hosts, chrissy and Keri.
Speaker 2:Hello Junkies, I'm Keri and I'm Chrissy, so today's episode I don't know what to think of it, but we're gonna be talking about grief today. As you all know, my mom passed away at the end of April. You know I thought I had my shit together with her dying. I really did, because you know she had been sick for a while. There had been, you know, a slow decline and to me it was like I almost felt like I had experienced the death of my mother way before she passed away, because who she was as a person had changed over the years, and so the mom that I have the good memories of, the you know the relationship and everything that ended so long ago.
Speaker 2:But these last couple of years was more. You know it was a new stage ended so long ago, but these last couple years was more. You know it was a new stage. So I really thought I was prepared. But then, okay, so she passed away April 22. I found that by July I was really I was down the dumps and I was really struggling. And then it hit me I was actually finally dealing with this grief. So we thought we would talk about this today and hopefully we'll be able to find some humor in it to help relieve this, but Chrissy had some interesting takes on grief as well. What do you want to add for right now?
Speaker 3:I think with grief, initially everybody connects that with the loss of a person or a relationship, I guess, and there's a grieving process to that. But you also can grieve things with lost opportunities that you realize that you won't maybe be able to have. If you have friends or family that maybe encounters different health problems, people with disabilities, things like that, where you kind of initially go into a relationship or go with a family member with all of these ideas of what their life and your life with them is going to look like and then when you get some sort of stone in the road or in your shoe however, you want to say it and you realize that it's not going to be the picture that you had in your mind, to whatever level. It could be something very minimal or it could be something big. There is a grieving process for that too. And going back to when you said that, you had thought that you kind of were going through the grieving process probably early on, even before your mom had passed away because she was declining.
Speaker 3:And you, just you know, you're aware of what's going on.
Speaker 3:Where this is going Right, absolutely. And then you know you had some time removed from when she passed. And you know you had some time removed from when she passed where you kind of felt your feelings were raw again, almost as if it had just happened, and it like probably took you back. You're like, did I really? How was I walking around with this? And all of a sudden it surfaced. Yes, I had an experience. My father's been gone since 08.
Speaker 3:And it was probably in the last couple years and it struck me very odd and it came out of nowhere. Yeah, because I generally like to keep myself. Well, you just anybody, not just me, everybody. You feel like you know your feelings and you're in some kind of control and you have some sort of an idea of how you react to things. But we were watching our wedding video. Oh, probably when it was our 30th anniversary, so this is probably how long ago it was Because we pulled it out and we were watching it. And you've been married so long, or I mean anybody, I guess it doesn't matter how long you're married. You watch some of these things and you start looking at all these people in these videos and you're like, gone, gone gone.
Speaker 1:It's really hard.
Speaker 3:Well, there was one point in the video where, you know, because we had a videographer doing the video and they like, would go around and ask people questions or have them talk to the camera to give us messages, right and there was a point where actually I don't I think it might have been when my father was walking me down the aisle. I don't even know that I heard his voice, although his voice is on that video, but all of a sudden it came out of nowhere.
Speaker 3:I completely lost all composure and cried like a baby, and it's not like I haven't looked at pictures of him since then or anything, but I just don't know what triggered it in me and that grief and that pain. It was short-lived, but it came on hard.
Speaker 2:And that's what happened to me. So, you know, when my mom was in that final week and in the month after her passing, you know there was so much that I had to do, there was so much that I you know, I was the primary person, I was doing all the paper and all the legalities, and then I was dealing with a lot of dynamics within the family. So I think for me what it was is I was in survival mode and I was in walls up, you know, and compartmentalizing my emotions, and I really thought I was prepared for my mom's passing because, again, we've been, we have been preparing for this for the past couple years, you know. And so then, okay, so that was at the end of April. So in June things were just about winding down. All of my responsibilities were pretty much done, things were pretty much where I could. Okay, that stage has all those responsibilities have passed.
Speaker 2:We went on vacation, we were in Jamaica, got there on a Saturday and I'm trying to think if it was Monday or Tuesday. I think it was Monday, yeah, it was Monday. So we get there Saturday, monday, I wake up and I'm feeling weepy, emotional, and I'm like what the heck is this about. But I was like, okay, whatever, you know, I'm just finally my body's shutting like, going in relax mode and I'm kind of coming down off of this months and months of defensive mode. So we were going to go to dinner or lunch and so we all walked over to this little hut where the at the resort, we were going to have this fabulous lunch.
Speaker 2:And I just remember I sat down and it hit me like that and I can't just it hit me hard and I just got up and said I can't do this. And I went back to the room and I bawled my eyes out for like hours and yeah, you know, my friends we were with, and my husband obviously, were completely understanding and I kind of knew like if I was going to finally feel something, it would be about then because again was in a safe space, was with my friends and my husband and in I was away from everything. But it lasted for like it all the next day, which I felt bad because that was our 20th anniversary, and then, and even the butlers, like at one point they wanted to do something in the room, but I was like comatose and in the bed, just not wanting to be anything part of the world. So they shut all the doors and they like put all this, you know decorations and stuff in the room. It was the next day that I finally was like, okay, I got to pull my, pull my bootstraps up and get myself going again.
Speaker 2:But really June and July and August it hit hard.
Speaker 2:And it just was disabling, and I was not expecting that. Not at all.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I'm sure not. I mean, it's sort of. That's the one thing I don't think you know. Well, there's so many things we don't control. I would almost venture to say we control nothing. I think we work really hard at controlling. I would almost venture to say we control nothing. I think we work really hard at controlling how we're going to feel about things, and that reminds us that you're not controlling that at all. No, no.
Speaker 2:And everybody kept saying you know like right after, how are you doing? I'm like I'm fine, I'm fine, and they're like, oh, I wasn't fine.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I'm like oh OK, well, you know whatever. But then I'm like yeah, I'm not fine?
Speaker 3:No, none of us really are.
Speaker 2:But it just, it just got me how it was so delayed and and then I started thinking about, like what? What other losses have I had that really have hit me, you know and you know and I just it really it was. It was very telling to me. So one of the other losses that I had experienced was my soulmate friend Don and I, you know, we've been friends for a long time and we had a third person that was in our little friend group, little three musketeers of us, and his name was Ron, and he tragically passed away and sadly we weren't told about him passing until it was a couple months afterwards. Oh my God, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:And talk about dysfunction. There was a lot of dysfunction in that story, but he was another one. That that. That is one that I will still get teary eyed about. Like, and what's weird is I've been finding that I've been having a lot of dreams lately where, like now, I'm at that stage where, like, my mom's coming to me in my dreams and the other night our friend Ron came to me in a dream and he brought me flowers, and so now it's like I'm just realizing that with it's just part of this grief stage is that I'm finally feeling these emotions and so in my dream state I'm like trying to heal myself with these good thoughts in my dreams and you know, seeing these people in my dreams and stuff. But yeah, it's grief.
Speaker 3:It's like an onion. That's interesting. You bring that up, that you're in your dream state, that your mind is trying to help you. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Or are you?
Speaker 3:asking for help, and it's well no, I don't think it's weird. Are you asking for help and it's well no, I don't think it's weird. I guess, if anything, that puts that whole idea of having dreams of people who've passed on in a different light for me that I never thought of, because I do know that people will say they dream of family members or close friends who have passed away, and I think they really try and maybe you do this they try to make it almost as if they're trying to communicate with you.
Speaker 3:So they're actually trying to say that these people who have passed on are actually trying to communicate with you, which I know some people feel more strongly that they believe in that more than I do. I've been honest about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just because I just don't feel that kind of goes back to our ghost episode.
Speaker 3:Right About. Do you believe in that? Afterlife and everything like that right right, but I like how you put it, where you were trying to that you were fully responsible for what you were trying to do for yourself, and that was to heal yourself.
Speaker 3:And even though you weren't forcing yourself you can't do that, but your subconscious or whatever that works with us during dreams and stuff was trying to help you function again and put it in a good place. So actually I kind of that's like a whole new way of looking at it that I never thought to look at it. So that's actually pretty cool, thank you. Oh, you're welcome.
Speaker 3:My dream state, you know, not to go crazy about this because it'll turn into a whole other episode with that whole thing and we're supposed to really just deal with grief. But talking about people you've lost, for some reason I feel like when I do have a dream about somebody who maybe passed away family member, it would just be a family member. I haven't really had any dreams of anyone who wasn't family that passed away. But it's weird because for some reason my mind takes it to some weird place and I seem to really remember when I wake up and sort of reflect on these dreams. The person in my dream who's deceased either never speaks to me. Okay, like you never hear their voice.
Speaker 3:You know that they're there and part of the. They're there somehow, but there's never any communication from them, right? And maybe you're trying to talk to them and they're not responding, or it's almost as if their back is always turned, like you never see their face. Oh yeah, kind of weird, yeah. So I read somewhere, maybe it was on a TV show or something.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but about like in your dreams. If something's written like you can't read in your dreams and I'm like that can't be true, because I see things all the time. In fact, in this dream that I had about my friend, he sent these flowers and there was a card and I read I was reading on the card that you know that they were from him, but in my dream I knew he would passed away, but he had somebody living. Give me this card, in that it was from him, but I was able to read. So when you dream, how vivid do you dream Like? If something is in writing, can you read it, or do you dream in color?
Speaker 3:Well, the color I think I take for granted. I know they say you don't dream in color, or maybe some people say that, but I think just you ever see where they try to do that thing, where they'll, and your brain fills it in. I almost feel like with that kind of thing where they say, well, you don't really dream in color, but you're like well, I remember my dream and it was color. That maybe your mind just does it for you after the fact, there's definitely color in my dreams.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I can't say. My dreams are that vivid that I could tell you for sure it was in color. But do you ever remember reading in your dreams?
Speaker 2:I don't.
Speaker 3:Well, because I hate reading in general.
Speaker 2:Are you watching TV with subtitles on the movies in your dreams? You know what?
Speaker 3:You would think that if I was dreaming, it would be dreaming about like a TV show or a movie, or watching a TV show. Or cartoons, but I don't even remember seeing a TV in my dreams. That's terrible. Wow, I would grieve the loss of my television too as well as family. I'm going to grieve the fact that my dreams have no TV in them.
Speaker 2:That's terrible, you know, and I think that what your point point of that sometimes we grieve things. It doesn't have to be the loss of a person. It's a time in our life is coming to a close. So, like I remember, when Jim was diagnosed with cancer and we went through that, I just kept thinking like I just can't wait to get our life back and I can't wait to get our life back, and it was probably the second year in that. It finally hit me that we're never getting that life back. We will get a new life and it doesn't mean it's not going to be great, it's just what we had pre-cancer. That will never come back. Life as we know it is always going to be. Now, what life is post-cancer? We will always have to deal with things that because of the cancer.
Speaker 2:I remember going through that grieving process and I think a little part of me on top of you know mom's passing it is that this is a big turning point. You know my husband and I moved here from Las Vegas. We moved back here and the point was to take care of my parents and our job is done now. Right Now, we're getting ready to what's. What is life going? What are we going to do now. So we are making these plans for what we're going to done now. Now we're getting ready to what's. What is life going? What are we going to do now? So we are making these plans for what we're going to do now, but that also includes the fact that you know we're both getting older, as we talked about in August that Jim had his 60th birthday, so we are entering this new era of life and, ok, what are we? How are we? How is life going to look?
Speaker 2:And I think that there's a part of me right now that is also grieving that there there are certain things are ending for us. Right, although I'm very excited about our future, I am sad about what's ending. Right, you know that we aren't the young kids that we were when we met and that we aren't able to do as things and that we we didn't enjoy before that. Now they're limited, and so, yeah, there's been a lot of of reality of that, and I think that's why I have struggled so much in the past couple months with being depressed and and that is not my nature so it makes it even harder for me, because I get on myself that you can't be, you're not. It's like I'm not allowed to feel that and so I have to give myself some grace and go no, it's OK, you can grieve Right, but it's a lot, like I said before, a lot of layers to that onion.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah yeah, when my father passed away. There's a part of what was going on in my life that I feel very fortunate to have had a distraction through that process. My father's illness and death happened fairly quickly and was not expected, but I had just found out, shortly after he found out what he was dealing with, that I was pregnant with my first child and I was hoping that, him knowing that, because I saw my father just not fighting like I had expected him to fight, but I just that, I think, just demonstrated to what level his illness was there.
Speaker 3:But he knew I was going to have a baby and what's funny is he said it was going to be a girl. Not that I I'm not trying to say you know he was able to predict that, but for whatever reason he felt that and so having my daughter going through that pregnancy and the excitement of that, it didn't erase my father and that loss, but it definitely helped not allow me to spend a lot of time in that grief yeah. And then just the whole process of having a baby for the first time, yeah, and that all that new stuff. It was uh, not that I go out and say, well, if you know, if somebody close to you is passing away, maybe have a baby and it will help. It's just the way it worked out for us. That was the timeline we had and I am grateful and I always say she's like the greatest gift I ever ever got. You know, all my kids are wonderful gifts.
Speaker 3:But that really helped because, I did basically identify myself a lot with that family dynamic that was there and when he passed it was never the same. I know some people want to fight really hard to try and keep it that way, but when there's that absence it just doesn't happen, right, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think that's where I'm kind of really grateful that, if you can be grateful, I don't want that to sound weird, but you know mom passed right after Easter, like two days after Easter, and for you know that was kind of like the end of the holiday season. You know what I mean. So, like now we've have, we'll have all this time before September or, I'm sorry, november, when the holidays start back up again.
Speaker 2:And the holidays were always big with my mom and so I'm kind of really grateful because, I don't know, I think I would have been really hard if she would have passed like right in the holiday season or like I'm glad there's been some separation because I know the holidays are going to be hard. But I can't imagine, you know, if you lose a loved one right in the thick of an important season.
Speaker 2:You know and maybe for some families, you know, maybe that is the summertime or maybe it's around a birthday or there's something else, but for us, especially the holidays would have been hard. So yeah. But talk about being smacked in the face. That that was.
Speaker 3:Well, it's a it's. It takes you by surprise. Once you could really basically define what you're feeling, yeah, and understand, like when that hit me, I I never experienced anything and it's weird because it was really just a brief moment, yeah, considering all the moments you've had at this point in your life. But it stuck with me because prior to that, I don't remember ever being that affected by an emotion like that before, where I didn't.
Speaker 3:Usually if you're upset or you're sad, it builds, and that was the first time I ever felt anything just come out of nowhere and hit and I had like no control over that grief. That hit me Probably like what you all of a sudden didn't expect it and it just came out of nowhere.
Speaker 2:Yeah 100%, and you know we talk about losing a person, but sometimes losing an animal can be just as bad.
Speaker 2:So, I've had a lot of pets. I mean, obviously I've been surrounded by animals my entire life and everything. I mean obviously I've been surrounded by animals my entire life and everything. But there are a few pets that cause major grief and I wrote in our show notes the loss of Mr Banks, because that one, Mr Banks, was a pony that I had not too long ago I think it was like 2018 that I got him. He was just the best little pony. He was great. You could do anything Anybody could ride. He was just the best little pony. He was great. You could do anything Anybody could brought. He was just, he was great.
Speaker 2:And he suddenly got very sick and passed away like must have been maybe 2021. And I grieved. I feel like I grieved as hard over that and I know this people can probably think this is crazy, but as I have been feeling for my mom and I mean it struck me hard Right. And you know, I knew we were going to be recording today, but what was funny is we were on a short road trip yesterday taking my sister in love back to the airport and somehow or another we got to talking about the horses that I've had and everything, and Mr Banks came up and it was the same thing hit me like a ton of bricks. I started bawling right there in the car Just at the thought of him and I mean even now like I can feel it in the back of my throat. And it's not like the other animals weren't as important or whatever, but there was just something really special about that.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, it's weird how grief can hit you over different things, whether it's the loss of a family member, a spouse, a time of your life, a certain period of your life, you know, an animal, a pet, a friend, you know. And then there's also the anger that goes all with it, and I didn't think I would have anger over my mom's death and I realized, well, my anger isn't necessarily my mom or her death. My anger is that the events that I'm having to deal with, that surrounded this whole situation, the things I had to deal with with family or situations, that, because of all that, the anger of it, the anger that I have to deal with this, and it's just, it gets you, and I definitely know you know about anger. It gets you.
Speaker 1:And I definitely know you know about anger.
Speaker 2:Who me Chrissy had a little anger episode, but yeah, so you get what I'm saying. There's a whole anger that goes alongside with the grief and that just kind of the juxtaposition of the two emotions it's so hard.
Speaker 3:I'm wondering if this is a question to ask and maybe I can be really off, because I am not at all a counselor or proposed to be have any background in this. But when you bring up anger it's an interesting thing and it goes hand in hand, I do believe, with the grieving process. It's on like the list of the stages of grief.
Speaker 2:DJ Nick, you should look up the stages of grief.
Speaker 3:He's very familiar with it. It's the first stage, is it really?
Speaker 2:What's the next one? You have to please me.
Speaker 3:You mean it's like the commandments, where they all have designated numbers and it doesn't have DBA.
Speaker 2:Cool Grief. Number one. It's only number one.
Speaker 3:He said it's anger. You usually get angry first, probably, at the fact that the person left you. Is that I mean? Is that where you're connecting that? Because what I was going to say while you're looking up that list is when you do experience that anger in your grieving process. Are you angry at the person who you lost, or the time of your life that is now behind you, the loss of whatever? Are you angry at the actual person or event or part of your life, or are you angry at the people who make that experience more complicated?
Speaker 1:yes, so I'm thinking, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking the stages of dying, oh, okay so which? Elizabeth kubler-ross did all that research. She was the first one to really put it, and so denial is the first one oh, okay and then anger is is the second stage.
Speaker 3:Okay but that's the person who's actually experiencing that. But, what are the stages of grief? Is there a list of stages of grief to some extent? Because I think, even though those are the stages of dying, that the loved one—.
Speaker 1:They actually use them for that.
Speaker 3:Interchangeably? Yeah, I think that the person who is close to the person experiencing that— yeah, and then bargaining is three we bargain for more time.
Speaker 1:And then depression. And then there is acceptance. You know you're finally accepting, you know that you're going to die, or of someone that you've lost, or something you've lost, that you know.
Speaker 3:you finally accept the fact that you know that this is not something that you can sit around and dwell on and wish that where you're doing the bargaining and you can sit there and be angry about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have to sort of say I'm sure people don't go through it. Mutually exclusive yeah, now I'm in stage three.
Speaker 2:Check that box. Stage one done. Check that box.
Speaker 3:Stage two.
Speaker 2:I am now in stage three, but yeah, but the anger thing.
Speaker 3:I do wonder if it gets displaced on the person that you've lost, or the time of the expectation of what you've lost is gone. Is it with that specifically?
Speaker 2:but the anger is there and maybe you just don't understand where it needs to basically be directed to Right and that's displace is a good one, because that is something that I've been starting to be more aware of, because there's things that I've been angry about and I definitely know that I've been scapegoating because I'll catch myself maybe snapping about something or being upset about something and then I realized, oh, that wasn't fair, because I was. I'm not really mad at that person, I'm just mad inside. And it's just coming out either in extremely foul language or, you know, I might be short in how I answer somebody in it, and it's not meant to be short of that person, it's just in my mind. There's this whole nother Rolodex of conversations going on and that comes out, you know like my answer to you.
Speaker 2:Know, do you want me to start the laundry? Yes, but no. But it's really not the laundry, it's the internal monologue in my head of that you've probably been battling.
Speaker 3:Yes, and nobody you know person that you're around doesn't hear or see that. But you're exhausted with it because you've been thinking about it for a very lengthy period of time. 100%.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, it's been kind of a little bit of a bummer of a summer because I've been dealing with all that, but that's the one thing I'm looking for. I feel like I'm maybe at the light.
Speaker 3:I feel like I'm on the upswing now.
Speaker 3:So well, the one thing I have to say and I probably again given some credit to my father, remembering what he may have experienced, and I don't know, I don't want to knock it up to be that he was a man and he dealt with his emotions differently than, say, my mother or anyone else.
Speaker 3:And I fail at this a lot in parenting in general, not that I feel like I'm a failed parent, but I do recognize my flaws and you do compare yourself sometimes to your own parents. Yeah, the one thing that comes up a lot, that we talk about and my husband does it too we don't remember our parents letting things on as much as we do. Right, like I would not have been aware of those type of emotions from my parents, you know, with their loss of they've lost parents, right? I mean, my father made certain things known. He, he was, uh, his parents were divorced. So his feelings, you know, he's definitely closer with one of his parents more than the other. He, you didn't see that in them. You're right, I feel bad because I feel like I should be better in that way to sort of basically protect my daughter from seeing the messiness of it.
Speaker 2:It is messy.
Speaker 3:And you don't want them to because it does affect them. You know I feel guilty about it.
Speaker 2:That's a really good point. I never thought about that until you were just saying but you know, my mom's parents were passed away before I was born, so I never saw my mom go through that. I mean, I saw what my mom dealt with, knowing that she lost her mother at a very young age, but I didn't, you know, I wasn't there for the process.
Speaker 2:You know, and then my dad, my grandfather, passed away. I'm not sure if I was born or if I was just really young, because I don't really have any memories of him. So his mother, she passed away when I was in either late high school or early college. I remember that at one point, while she was passing, like while she was in her final days, I must have said something and my mom said to me you know, your dad? It was something like give your dad a little break. He's he's losing his mother, and I always remember her saying that to me and I never thought about like, oh, like my dad's losing his mom, but I really. But what you just said, yeah, I never really thought about like learning or seeing from them, because I really, out of four, I only saw one and and I didn't have a good relationship with that.
Speaker 3:Obviously I was gonna say you were probably thinking, yeah, finally, I will be free of any opportunities to have a second or third degree burns on my body Right.
Speaker 2:Or, you know, getting being forced to drive a car while she's drunk and I'm 12.
Speaker 3:You know, so I can see how you probably didn't quite understand what that grief was about.
Speaker 2:I didn't understand that and I did until you just said what you were saying. I didn't make that connection, but yeah.
Speaker 3:So I kind of feel bad that I didn't give really make you realize or feel that there was any reason to act differently. Yeah, that's true. So don't think of it as a flaw in you. Maybe give them a little credit for the fact that they let you kind of continue to feel the way you did.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's true. So, anyways, there's grief. What's for dinner?
Speaker 3:Grief. Yay, alrighty, everybody needs to go and get an ice cream sundae now. Make yourself feel better.
Speaker 2:Or maybe some hot dogs and ice cream, and if you're on a diet, add a hot dog to it.
Speaker 3:Yes, that always made me feel better.
Speaker 2:All right. Well, hey, please be sure to check out our Facebook page and maybe if you need to share you know if it'll help you to share some of your grief, what's for dinner kind of stories please feel free to share, put on our Facebook page. You can email us. But, yeah, check out our new website, dysfunctionjunkiespodcastcom. And also, don't forget September. We are supporting Canine for Canine Companions with our Junkies Care Initiative. We will be at the Dog Fest in New Albany, ohio, for Canine Companions on September 21st at one o'clock and you can learn all about that on our website. Yes, please donate.
Speaker 2:Yes, donate to that and we will see you next week. Bye everybody, Bye-bye.
