Dysfunction Junkies
Two high school besties reconnect and commiserate their stories as they navigate the dysfunctions of life from marriage, families, illness, death of childhood families, and creating healthy boundaries. Join them each week as Chrisy and Kerry share their stories and life lessons all with a zest of wit, humor, and love. They may not have seen it all, but they have seen enough!
Dysfunction Junkies
From First Crush To Forever: How Early Relationships Shape Who We Choose And How We Love
What if your first serious love is still influencing how you fight, forgive, and choose today? We dig into the invisible blueprints early relationships leave behind, the “reason, season, lifetime” lens that reframes past marriages, and the messy, beautiful work of rewriting patterns with intention. Along the way, a long-lost box of wedding photos turns into a masterclass in boundaries and closure: how to honor the past, return what isn’t yours to carry, and move forward with respect. Be sure to tune in to this week's episode hit play and share: which chapter are you in right now?
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Welcome to the Dysfunction Junkies Podcast. We may not have seen it all, but we've seen enough. And now, here are your hosts, Chrissy and Carrie.
SPEAKER_02:Hello, junkies. It's Carrie. And it's Chrissy.
CHRISY:How come my husband, when he does this uh DJ Nick, sorry, I didn't want to break the illusion of what is happening here, but when he says Chrissy, it that's how he says it to me when he's mad at me. Chrissy! Chrissy! That doesn't sound like that. It doesn't sound mad. Well, it doesn't sound mad. It's like he puts a little bit of a happy spin on it, but it's sort of the same kind of inflection or reflection or whatever the hell you want to call it.
SPEAKER_01:You want me to redo the entry?
CHRISY:No, no. I just making a comment or you know, an observation. What are you, Isaac Newton? No, I'm not gonna tell you what movie that's from. Oh, you guys are too much. So what are we talking about? Speaking of spouses, just love in general. Carrie, what are we talking about today?
KERRY:We are talking about love, our loves of our lives. Today we're gonna talk about how we talked a little bit last week about friendships, but now we're gonna take it a little further. We're gonna talk about those loves that we've had that have shaped us, whether it's our first love, our current love. Love. Love, yeah.
CHRISY:Generally, I think the first relationship that we take seriously does impact us pretty much probably our whole life to some extent. Yeah. Yes. For better or worse. So, Chrissy, you want to tell us about your first love? No, wait, now wait a minute. So wait a minute. I don't even know for sure if the person I'm thinking was yours is the one, because I'm not sure. Am I thinking of the right one? My first love?
KERRY:Yeah. Yeah, probably. Okay. I was married three times. I'm not shy about saying that. No, I wasn't my first love was my first parent. Well, that's what I thought. Yes.
CHRISY:Yeah. Okay.
KERRY:You didn't date anybody before that? I mean, there was a couple people, yeah, but you know, that was just sort of just going out. You're you're just learning about these feelings. So I wasn't your first and oh god, Nick.
CHRISY:You're pretty close. I just didn't because here's the deal with me. I really I only consider uh my level of commitment and k maintaining my attention was uh w one time prior. I had other boyfriends after that and before him, uh-huh. But as far as being somewhat vested, it was just two times.
SPEAKER_01:See, it's only been you for me.
SPEAKER_03:Oh my god, it's getting thick in here. Nikki, you can sit in the corner. Yeah, go back to your corner.
CHRISY:Because I know. Well, you know what?
SPEAKER_08:If that is true, Nick got the gappiest look on his face for this episode.
CHRISY:I'm not gonna say I was about to say something is gonna be so wrong. And he's gonna have to decide whether he has to cut it out or not. It's an edit. It's a double standard with men, isn't it?
SPEAKER_03:Well, he's a guy. Well now he's giving you the glare. The sweet, the sweet, giggling look is an alternative.
CHRISY:I ignore lied about how you know he just seemed to have an awful lot of attention from different uh different friends or girlfriends or whatever. And I I wouldn't have been able to get used to somebody that quick, you know. That takes a lot to switch gears uh with different people all the time. Like I don't like to switch out friends. I wouldn't want to have to deal with that either. Then you gotta be interested all over again. What are your likes? What kind of food do you like? What do you like to do? I mean, uh, you know, how many times can I go through this with somebody? Because it's not about you, that's right.
SPEAKER_02:Why you have a difficult time with it? I can't even fathom having to do that.
CHRISY:I don't even know what the logistics are of that.
KERRY:So I have to laugh because we talked about a reason, a season, or lifetime. I guess that pretty much describes my marriages. The first one was a reason, the second one was a season, and now I have a lifetime.
CHRISY:Hey, it's great to know that it does there's only a few things that we can down why we're on this planet and how everything affects us. Yes. And that number three is a fairly He's a keeper.
KERRY:Yeah.
CHRISY:Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
KERRY:I don't but no, in all seriousness though, though, every relationship it does shape you and it shapes you into who you are, who you become. You know, sometimes maybe it it teaches you something that well I don't want to become, you know, and and so you gotta, you know, change gears. But so I never regret any of my past relationships. None. I would do it all over again because all of that has made me who I am today. My husband and I both say that if it wasn't for our previous marriages, we would probably not still be together because those relationships taught us how to be in a relationship, taught us what a good relationship is, or what we needed from ourselves and how to be a good spouse to to each other. And so if if Jim and I would have met 30 years ago and he would have been the first, and you know, for like my first husband, and he was married three times too. So we're both of us, but we both said that it we it wouldn't have worked, it only works now because of what we went through. So good, bad, or indifferent. I understand. Yes.
CHRISY:Well, you're in my relationship does have this footnote in it. Yes, whatever you want to call it. Because you were the one that introduced me. I did to your first first love, someone that I first gave a lot of attention to for period of time. Yes, I did.
KERRY:And and it was a good relationship, yeah. For the most part, yeah. Just because it ended doesn't mean it was bad, it just means that it ended and you learn from things or you move on, or life changes.
CHRISY:Yeah, it it does. And it was good, it was fine. He is a very nice person, and he treated me very nicely.
SPEAKER_08:Yes, mm-hmm.
CHRISY:Always. I can't say the he ever he was very uh much a gentleman and uh div poured a lot of attention on me, which you know I like. Oh, Chrissy loves that. So and uh to do some credit here, uh I think that having somebody like that at that very formative part of your life leaves you to have sort of expectations going forward. So I think I was pretty lucky that I had a person that was very attentive and kind and respectful and patient for the most part. Uh well, always actually. I can't think of them not being patient at any point, but that helped me basically what my expectations were all the time going forward. Yeah. So yeah, no, I I uh you know, yeah, I appreciate that. Now, for you though, it was kind of I I guess I got off a little easy. I had one that was fairly it was good, and and then it came to its end. Yeah, and that's hard, but you you get through it. And when you're young like that, it's harder to because you just don't understand it.
SPEAKER_02:But the world's deaf, it's the world, the sky is falling. Everything is just awful.
CHRISY:Yeah. But for you, uh you had to go through a lot of learning because you were I don't even know how to like think or phrase it, but your relationships were difficult.
KERRY:Yeah, yeah. I mean, they definitely had a lot of trials and tribulations and things I had to get through and go through, but again, still would uh not change a thing as much as as traumatic as some things were, but still it's got me to this place today. Okay, here's an odd question. While you're decluttering, because I know we talk about decluttering, I don't know if I like where this is going. Did he put you up to no, he didn't. This is something 100% a carry. Okay.
CHRISY:While you're I have my hand over my she does.
KERRY:While you're decluttering, if you happen to come across something from a previous relationship that belonged to that person, and you know that it was something that probably meant something to them or that they really should have, would you go through the effort of returning it, even if you haven't spoken to them in 30 years?
CHRISY:Or would you just say To be honest, this actually does not apply to me. I don't have anything from you and as much as I hold on to stuff, I mean, we have I have pictures that I have never and I hate to say that again this speaks volumes about me. Because they're all pictures of you. Well, because if I'm involved in the picture, then there's no way I'm getting rid of it. Especially if she looks good. Yeah, and he's like, Why do you keep these pictures of you with these old boyfriends? Well, because I'm in the picture.
KERRY:So Okay, so let's just say, okay, you were in high school. All right. So maybe they that person gave you a letterman's jacket of theirs. Okay.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, no, it didn't, I didn't get anything like that, but okay.
CHRISY:But if you did, I would hope. Now you're gonna have to comment on this because I'm totally I don't have any jewelry. Uh-huh. I never got any jewel. I mean, the any jewelry I got was given to me for me. It wasn't like wear my ring or anything like that. Okay. No jackets or anything like that, no t-shirts or a musical, say, cassette tape or something like that.
KERRY:Okay, but let's we can talk about the photo. All right, so this is where this is coming from. I had this happen to me actually last week.
SPEAKER_05:Oh my god, how far back are you going? First marriage.
SPEAKER_06:Oh my god, you bitched at me about keeping stuff.
CHRISY:Wow. So what are you allowed to say category it's in?
KERRY:As far as clothing or jewelry, or I'll say a general categories. I'm usually pretty good about not keeping things. No carry. I am in shock. Right. But this was in a box of pictures. Okay. So this was a box that was full of pictures from way back in the day. And I had not opened this box in clearly a long time. Okay. So as I was boxing up things to go, I was consolidating because I'm like, oh, I have this box of pictures and this box of pictures. Let me put them all in one box. So as I was going through, I found pictures of this first relationship, which that's fine. I have no problem with that, you know. But in those pictures were our wedding pictures, which some of them were just of my first husband or his family, grandparents of his that have passed on, you know, but it was just a picture of them. And then I found some personal things of his. I guess you could say they were along the lines of jewelry, but clearly I should not, they needed to go back to him. Okay. Okay. And some of the pictures were pictures that he had taken when he had traveled and seen some things during his travels. And I had these pictures I didn't know I had. And so again, these are not my memories, these are not my pictures. There was also pictures of his childhood because when we got married, we had a video collage of pictures. We did that too. Yeah. So I had the pictures from that video collage that I did. Again, I totally did not. It was one small little box tucked in with all the other boxes of photos. I did not realize I had. I was mortified when I opened up this box and was like, oh my Lanta, I I need to get this back. Like, I can't keep this. And I'm not gonna just throw them away and say, hey, it's been 30 years. I'm out of sight, out of mine. He, you know, no. So I reached- How do you even go about doing this? Yeah.
CHRISY:I don't even know what your relationship is with this person.
KERRY:I there is no relationship. There is no contact. No, other than an occasional accidental bump in, and the grocery store literally, literally ran into each other once in a grocery store coming in, coming out, like literally our buggies hit each other. Oh my god. But no, no really and it's awkward as that when we first moved here 12 years ago, 13 years ago. But uh and what was the exchange like? Um awkward, cordial, nice to see you, good luck, have a good day, moved on. Yeah. There's it's not that there's any animosity or anything. It was just obviously we've both moved on, you know. What I did was I reached out to a family member who I had contact information from and sent a very humbling email and was like, I'm really embarrassed to say I have this, but I do. And if I'd known I had it sooner, I would have done this sooner. But I literally just found this and I just feel like it needs to go back. I don't want to cause any problem, I don't want to cause any heartache, I don't want to cause any distress, I don't want to cause any PTSD. I don't want anyone to be mad at me, but I have these, I should not have these. These need to go back to the family. And could you please take care of that? And they were so gracious and so kind and was like, oh, absolutely, it's water under the bridge. Don't worry, thank you for not throwing them away. And then that you were in contact with the person? A family member of the person. Like a sibling? Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. And then so that person came and picked up the items and now they're back. Well, that's a feeling.
CHRISY:Well, that's because who would have you're obviously talking about karma now. Because if you would have gotten rid of the stuff, just tossed it. Like, who gives a shit?
KERRY:This is such a They'll never know I had it. Yeah, no, I couldn't have lived with myself with that.
SPEAKER_06:Christie's going, Well, that's my probably nobody gave me anything that they might have wanted back.
CHRISY:Because now I'm letting them know they probably weren't gonna get it back, buddy. Wow. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, you had well, you were married. Yeah, we were. So that's like a total different level.
KERRY:Right.
CHRISY:No, I don't know.
KERRY:I just hope it was received well when that person finally gets it. But you know, it I just know my heart I I just was like, oh, how'd it go?
CHRISY:Well, it's been so long, I would imagine.
KERRY:Yeah.
CHRISY:I would hope they'd be grateful about it and just move on with it and be like, Well, that was really nice.
KERRY:Like how we said I said in the beginning, you know, I don't regret any of my past relationships. Everything formed me who I was, you know. Back 30 some years ago, I was an immature kid growing up, learning about life, just like previous partners were. They were young too, and they were learning about life and didn't have maybe the life skills either. Neither of us did. So, but we grew as we grow on. So yeah.
CHRISY:Yeah, no, okay, then I I I don't have anything to connect as far as that goes. Like I said, I do I still have pictures, yes. Although, for whatever reason, I can't find the damn picture of you and I together. I know, but I'm still on the hunt for that, and I know I have it, I just have not hit the right box or book that I stuck it in, probably.
KERRY:I have about five totes, uh plastic totes of pictures that I still need to go through. And I'm sure somewhere in there there's pictures of us, but I have yet to find them yet.
CHRISY:Yeah, and it's a shame that we didn't have well, I'm actually glad we didn't have what people have now. Right. With all this uh, you know, availability of picture taking and record keeping that way. I wouldn't want anything documented from my past like that.
KERRY:So I will tell you, I am loving the whole AI thing with the photographs. I know you did you see what I did?
CHRISY:I did, and it was beautiful, and I know other people are really getting into this.
KERRY:So what I'm referring to is there was that whole thing over social media where you could candy land yourself in a Christmas image with Is this some sort of little app or what do you have? You just go into like Chat GPT and just it's kind of how I I make some of our images for our face our social media. Like we use mid-journey or whatever, you just use a an AI thing. So I went into AI and I did that. What what I also did was my staff party. So every year I have a big staff party for my staff. I AI'd all of my staff in that Candyland images, and I gave all of them that for Christmas.
CHRISY:Well, that's probably it. I think that's probably a really nice gift because then they can't say they did it, and they're getting something that's fun, and that would be fun.
KERRY:Yeah, so it's been kind of fun playing with that. But any case, we're off topic now.
CHRISY:So yeah, well, no, it's I saw it uh a lot. It wasn't just you, and they are beautiful.
SPEAKER_01:You guys need to get back to love.
CHRISY:Oh my gosh.
KERRY:Nick's over here chomping at the bit. He wants to hear more of your love boat story. Yeah, I don't have any of that. Chrissy in love. But your relationships do do shape you, they do. But I'm sure, like, okay, so I've had a couple to to to mold me. You guys have been, you know, pretty much mostly just you two. So, but I'm sure that's molded you guys as well, because you've had to learn and adjust in the process. You know what I mean? Not like just have a relationship, you move on and you learn from what you moved on from. You're living it.
CHRISY:Well, we've been, yeah, because we've been together for a while. And I'm happy to admit that I really only had one, what I would consider serious, yeah, you know, uh relationship, which uh, you know, was just that. I don't know to what level you consider any of those relationships you had. Molding player, molding or serious.
KERRY:Nick, were you a player? Is that what I'm getting from this conversation?
SPEAKER_01:I would be a player hater. No, I'm just I he dated a lot. I I did yeah, but I mean really to think about relationships that really help mold me. Yeah. Oh my god, he's counting on his fingers.
KERRY:His eyes are closed, he's contemplating, he's counting on his fingers.
CHRISY:I I think maybe two serious girlfriends, Chrissy. I'm not gonna go into this now, but after when the sh when we start when we start.
SPEAKER_02:I'm going to be drilling this information right out of him. That does not surprise me.
CHRISY:Because I only have the one, which he isn't he knows uh uh that there's just he's got it easy. He only needs to know about one. That's all he knows about, and that's all there was. But for me, I got like a whole Flockman list, and there's only two out of that whole long list of yours, which I guess I should be glad about.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, that ruling that I could say was like a serious relationship. Yeah, that taught you about love. Maybe two.
CHRISY:You just said two. What you act like you're deviating from that number. You said two already, but I just want to make sure that you.
SPEAKER_06:Two. Okay.
CHRISY:Well, then I guess that makes me feel better. I wouldn't have had to date so many people to get close. I'm only one off from your number.
SPEAKER_01:But I still think we we really had to learn a lot together. You have. We've been together since we were 19 years old. Exactly. So I I'm sure we we did some learning along the way, and I guess it just never escalated to the point where we got divorced or separated. Right. But we've I I believe we've we've really, you know, we've grown we've grown up together. You have grown up together, right? And uh actually I think that I've grown to love her even more. I just that's just how I feel about it. But I don't know how you feel about it.
CHRISY:I I am I'm fine with it. I I I don't know what to say. I'm fine with it. With this. I'm fine with what you say. I'm fine with it. No. Aren't you feeling full of love remaining? I know. Do you want some Taco Bell back?
SPEAKER_01:Some Nacho Bell Grande.
CHRISY:I yes, I guess we have grown up together.
SPEAKER_01:For the first time listeners, the joke is because we did an episode. If you've not listened, I did ask Chrissy to marry me on the way to Taco Bell.
CHRISY:So that's what That's going to be coming up because we're going to have a flashback. We're going to have a flashback.
SPEAKER_03:That's why Carrie asked me Taco Bell.
CHRISY:So yes, we definitely have grown up together. And we've seen uh you know when you're with somebody uh that's you know outside of parents or siblings that you're with for a long period of time, you see a lot, you go through a lot together. So uh yeah, I mean I appreciate the uh closeness that we have and our history and the how long we've been together. And uh I count myself very lucky because uh like the first relationship. Yeah, if you are a listener, hi and he probably listens to this and thinks I do not know who this person is. Because I feel I was very mousy and quiet and very what when you're um I'm gonna have to reach out to him because I'm wondering if that's really what he what he thought of you as mousy and quiet. I you keep describing yourself as I was not funny with him, I don't think. I uh and what's funny what's what's funny about me not being funny is that I think I was very humorous with people like friends and stuff that I had prior. Yeah. And with you, yeah, because some of my early.
KERRY:I probably said that and sold you that way to him. I was like, oh my god, my best friend, she's so funny, you're gonna love her, and then you're like, crickets.
CHRISY:Like the fug in that unlock funny cartoon where I don't say anything. But yeah, I mean, you know, uh we had a common interest with music, yes, which you also with music, you know. I I don't know. It it worked out for the time period, it worked out again. I do appreciate he was a generally nice person and and you know, a nice guy. Yeah. So uh have nothing really bad to say about it.
KERRY:No.
CHRISY:But uh yeah.
KERRY:So what are some of these things in this show notes of yours?
CHRISY:I I'm I think they're just I'm reading they're actually it's not that bad. It's not real lengthy or anything.
KERRY:I'm reading things there. There's there's bullet points here that says interrupting blueprints.
CHRISY:What does that mean? Well, that's down at the I think so well we gotta go back up before you get to that one. So the first relationship means to us and how it goes does have some so how your first relationship, how it how folded out, how you met, how you were during that relationship, and probably how it came to its end. That's basically your blueprint.
KERRY:That's your blueprint for love, and then as you move forward, you get interrupting blueprint.
CHRISY:Oh, now I get it. Okay. So then you kind of have that's what you're used to. Yeah. You already did that. Yeah. So that's how you kind of expect to see your next relationship, sort of. And this is it's not going to, because you're not dealing with the same two parties in that relationship anymore.
KERRY:Right, but see, this all also explains the dysfunction of relationships because sometimes people get in their first relationships or whatever are dysfunctional or have problems or abuse, things like that. And that's what they've learned for that blueprint of love, and that's why they keep repeating these bad relationships, because until you recognize that that is not a good blueprint and break that cycle, interrupt it to get a better blueprint.
CHRISY:Right. So, yeah, and I these other things here, the patterns that you're I guess they're saying that you have like this emotional your brain creates emotional patterns in regards to a relationship and your skill development. Now, I don't know what that means, it don't sound good though.
KERRY:That sounds like dysfunction junkies after dark.
unknown:Yeah.
KERRY:Yes. Tune in. Show's over. So, no, but I hear you exactly. Your skill development, yes. And I also like this trauma and trust issues. That that speaks a lot too.
CHRISY:Well, yeah, and probably for you. Yeah, I I've been lucky. I don't really I have trust issues in general, yeah, just because humanity I don't trust, period. Right. So if you think Oh, I feel so much better now. Well, I just I will always question uh you know, what are you doing? Uh did you do this and why and what's going on? But you I you definitely just in the conversations we've had and knowing a little bit from your past and being there to witness a little bit, but really not much, I have to go off of what you've told me.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
CHRISY:And when you've told me after thinking about it, I probably wasn't too surprised. Right. You think you're on you feel bad because you're like, geez, I really feel bad that you had to go through that. But I guess I could, you know, the first well, I've known all of them. Yeah. The first uh gentleman, uh, I I didn't I knew he had a tight thumb on you. Um and I know he didn't care for me, especially once me and the my first boyfriend had broken up. Yeah, I sort of went on a whole now I'm gonna go on a fun spree of just mischief. And Carrie was not allowed to go out and he was not interested in allowing you to be partnered up with that. Yeah. It didn't bother me. Yeah. I mean, I would have still dragged you and caused all kinds of havoc, but you know. But after I heard some other things that you've told me, I guess I'm glad I just sort of like walked away from that whole situation. Yeah, good for you. Now the second gentleman, I don't I mean, I we we knew him too.
KERRY:That was that was a that was a because of my trauma, I had trust issues, and that was my season of safe. We were really, really good friends. We were really good friends, but relationship partners, married couple, that's it was just not. That's a good point you bring up.
CHRISY:It just because you are really good friends. Yeah. And there's just a level of that you have with each other, yeah, that you rely on each other, yes, and you have a lot of things in common and you can really depend on those people. You would think that that would be the perfect mashup for a good relationship for uh commitment in a marriage or whatever, but it's not, it's not, no, because you need the whole package, you need you need the friend, but you also need the spouse, the the supporting person, the companion, the chemistry.
SPEAKER_01:So I I wouldn't ask you to speak for him. Do you think that is that feeling mutual?
KERRY:I have no idea if the feelings that I have is reciprocated by either of my previous my ex-husbands. I have no idea. I just I would like to think that they would feel that way, but I don't know, because just like siblings growing up in the same household, you have different, you know, experience experiences and different processing, you know. So I don't know.
CHRISY:Well, I wonder, not so maybe not so much for the with the first relationship.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I was really thinking more. I know what you mean.
CHRISY:The second, but maybe he also viewed you as you were a very good friend.
SPEAKER_01:I really didn't know your first husband.
KERRY:No, I wasn't really Yeah, you were you came in after the fact. So yeah, but I appreciate both of my ex-husbands for everything, like I said, for everything, for every experience, for every uh life lesson, for the time. There's no no regret because it's made me who I am and it it brought me and Jim together, and and he is clearly my lifetime.
SPEAKER_01:So that's very healthy though. I mean, there's a lot of people who divorce that wouldn't feel it's very non-dysfunctional.
KERRY:It is. I know I have enough dysfunction in my life, but every once in a while I find something that I can be functional about, and that has always kind of been one.
SPEAKER_01:Very very self-actualized.
KERRY:It's very oh, and I know I to completely take responsibility for my part in those relationships not working. I I'm I know that it takes two 100%. And I know that in in both relationships, it was a matter of immaturity, you know, because did you know we were young and uh but it's also a matter of not having life skills. It was a matter of I hadn't resolved other traumas in my life, and in basically relationships were almost medicating those traumas. They weren't, you know, I wasn't addressing them. So so that by the time Jim came around, I kind of feel like I kind of somewhat got my stuff together. So I mean, I'm still a broken person, and I say that all the time to Jim that you know I'm I'm a broken soul, and but thankfully he he doesn't see me that way. Right. So it works.
CHRISY:No, definitely. Well, you do hear a lot, and I don't think now I'm speaking on a turn, you tell me, but this is my what you know, trying to look at what your history is with that. Yeah, a lot of people you always hear this like you repeat right the same mistakes with these relationships. Like you almost repeating dynamics is on the list. That's the one I was looking at. And as much as you had your first relationship and that didn't work out for you, and then the second one that didn't work out, somebody might say, Well, you just keep repeating the same mistakes, but I don't think that those were the same mistakes. They were not. There were different issues, completely different issues. Yeah.
KERRY:Yes.
CHRISY:Although I would imagine there are people who do get into another relationship that's uh equally toxic and sometimes even more toxic than the first. Yes. So I uh with that, I I don't really have firsthand experience then, I guess. Thank goodness. Yeah. I'm just you guys have a great love story.
KERRY:You do. We we do all right. You do. Oh, there's a look of love in Chrissy's eyes. See, catch it right now, Nick. Look, look at her right now. I don't have my glasses on, so I can't see.
CHRISY:Because I refuse to get by whatever those things are by glasses, by the rules here in transitions. Yeah. So, but uh, you know, and so this was broken down into three sections uh points of interest, which is where they talked about the blueprint, where in your first relationship you're where'd you find all the stuff?
SPEAKER_01:Give them credit, whoever actually this this is this you just it's Googling and Googling and AI stuff.
CHRISY:Yeah, so do I give AI credit for this?
SPEAKER_03:There you go.
CHRISY:It didn't list an author or somebody who researched this. Gemini. Gemini or whatever. Although I did. I'm trying to think. Did I print out then some sort of You have a lot of paperwork here today, Chris?
KERRY:I know.
CHRISY:Thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I do like to give credit because there are people out there who are kind of thinking oh, that's our that's a whole different thing. That's a whole other episode. I know. So yeah, I mean, it was just, but the way it was able to categorize this stuff for us, I guess. Uh you know, your patterns, you know, you start out, you create sort of the blueprint, yeah, and then you the midpoint here, the th here's this three again. Yes. Everything's a three. And then when you move forward, you become more, like you said, you are aware that you were also to blame, and you become more self-aware of what you your mistakes, and then also what you want to h have out of a relationship. Yeah. And you're able to sort of have that discussion with yourself, and then you know that even though you had a blueprint in your mind of what your relationships were supposed to be going forward, you become to accept the fact that those are gonna be you're gonna have to change the blueprint. Yeah, yes. And then healing, I guess, uh, you know, healing is you have to heal from those other relationships.
KERRY:And sometimes you have to actually heal in the current relationship that you're in because we're all human, you know, we all make mistakes or we screw up or you know, let our temper get the best of us or whatever the thing is. So we have to not only uh forgive ourselves and heal, but sometimes, you know, forgiving our partner in healing because you know they're just as human too, you know. Yeah.
CHRISY:No, I I know that I was because Nick and I have been together for a long time. And we did kind of grow up together. You did. There was, I can admit for sure, for me, and it would be nice if he admitted some stuff too, but offhand I can't think of anything. Maybe he is actually in the clear when this comes to this stuff. But I know I was very selfish. And yes, I did kind of always think I of myself first, but don't let me dis you know, yeah uh distract you from the fact that I do still think about myself first. But I try to at least bring people at the same level with me in my considerations for things. And I try to just the other thing too, and we've talked about in some other episodes, you have to realize there's nothing you control in this life. Nothing. And I think when you're younger, especially certain personality types, me being one of those, you felt like you had to control. And there was this deception that I was going through in my mind that I could achieve uh control over something, yeah. And I was miserable the whole time. And people try to help you with that and tell you look, you can't control everything. You'll be so much more happy and relaxed, and you won't have to worry as much when you just really just let things go.
KERRY:Yeah.
CHRISY:And the one thing I used to hear from him all the time, I don't hear it as much anymore because I think I have gotten better, was pick your battles. I was always ready to fight every battle. What are you doing? He was agreeing with you. He's making weird faces in gestures. You're not making weird faces, you're just side-eyeing.
SPEAKER_01:Well, are you gonna you put your glasses on so you could see what I'm doing?
CHRISY:Oh, I see is that you're sitting next to me and you're breathing. What the hell is that? Oh, God, Chris. That means he's being uh he's judging me, man.
KERRY:No, he's not judging. He was agreeing with you.
SPEAKER_01:I don't think that yeah. I mean, I think you you had um my assessment, you you would you you wouldn't pick your battles. Every everything was about to be able to do that. Everything was about and then I don't know that you were selfish, you just knew what you wanted, and you wanted what you wanted.
KERRY:See, now that's that's the definition of the see now that is really love because you know he's seeing the best in you, and he's saying, No, it's not selfish, you just know what you want. I mean, that's just that's a really loving statement because he's seeing you through the eyes of a really good partner.
CHRISY:If you would have asked him that question ten years ago, he would have said, I'm being selfish.
KERRY:Yeah, but that was ten years ago because we've learned.
SPEAKER_01:I needed it ten years. Let me tell you what. Ever since we started having a family, something's clicked on her because it's not it's not about her anymore.
KERRY:I know. She says that a lot, but I do know it's about them kids.
SPEAKER_01:It's the kids and you first, yeah. Which is what the way it should be. Should be. And you know, she's you know, I I would always say she's ten times the mom I thought she that I thought she'd be. Well, I appreciate that.
KERRY:You are you are a good mom.
SPEAKER_02:Thanks.
SPEAKER_01:She's a great mom.
CHRISY:Yeah, she's the best mom of I think I see a tear. No. Maybe a little bit my eyes. I'm rubbing my eyes because I can't see.
unknown:Whatever.
SPEAKER_01:She's still she's still hard-hearted. No, I'm just kidding. Thanks. No, but she she died, yeah. I don't maybe I yeah, I would have called her, I'm sure I called her selfish ten years ago. But I actually ten minutes ago. No, that was me.
SPEAKER_03:I said that too.
SPEAKER_01:That's right. That's right. It would have been more like 20 years ago.
KERRY:No, but we change and we grow.
SPEAKER_01:So and she she does and she has.
KERRY:I mean So, where do we want our listeners to take away from all this?
CHRISY:That that, whether you admit it to yourself or not, that first serious relationship you have does sort of, and they always say it's one of the most important relationships. It is, yeah, as far as your intimate relationships go. It does set a blueprint, yeah, and it does sort of imprint itself on everything moving forward in all of your other relationships, whatever your expectations are, whatever your desire is to not go down that path again, yeah, to learn uh, you know, it's really it is very important.
KERRY:I think good relationships are ones that support you, that uplift you, that can see you at your most broken, but yet they still see you as the best thing in their world, you know, even when you're at your most broken. But anyways, this has been kind of uh fun to kind of well, I guess more for me going down memory lane. To my previous ex-husbands, I I do appreciate you. I thank you for what you've done for me. And to the love of my life, my lifetime husband, Jim. I thank you for everything you do for me, for accepting me for my broken self and for loving me. And I'm looking forward to rewiring our life as we move to early pre-retirement is rewirement in Utah. There you go.
CHRISY:Well, uh, shout out to my first, uh, if you listen. There you go. Congrats that you listen, you have good taste that you listen to this. I thank you for uh I you know, I'm sure he'd probably be to completely shock that I would say anything like this. But I haven't talked to the guy in 30 years or whatever it is. So, but no, I do appreciate that now reflecting on it. And I I do want to give him credit for uh at that time, especially at hit the age we were, yeah, that he was able to have those kind of uh traits that he was polite and kind and patient and seemed to like to do to attention my way, which I was always open to. So thanks. And uh oh yeah, whatever you two are, I'll be drilling you later about that. I need a questionnaire to fill out.
SPEAKER_06:I want to know these women and I want to know their names. I was hinting for you to throw something nice over there for his next. He's my grown up with him.
CHRISY:He's everything to me. He is everything, he knows that. I worship the flipping shoes he wears to the damn hat on his head. I every and everything in between. He's he's everything. That's I couldn't have gotten anything better.
SPEAKER_02:Aww, Susie. Thank you. Good job. Thank you.
KERRY:All right, I hope that movie's that from that all of you are having uh a great uh time listening to this episode. Maybe you can uh find someone in your life that that you love and uh give them a shout out today, too.
CHRISY:So we are going into the month of love.
KERRY:I know that's what this is a precursor of. Yeah.
CHRISY:So everybody hold on. Hold on till we're getting there.
KERRY:All right, everybody. Well, have a fabulous week and we'll see you next week. Bye, everybody.
